anytime i get into a mindset that i can’t shake, i retreat or i disappear further into my thoughts and imagination. only this time, there is no product or tangible evidence of where my mind has swept me off to. these past two months have literally devastated me to the point where i can’t create freely, i can’t work properly, i can’t love fully, i can’t think clearly. i can’t even be the kind of friend i should be; this is all bothers me, but it doesn’t surprise me. days get slower and slower; for, i feel like i’m stuck in a paradox or a time lapse. it’s all due to the fact that i am so deeply connected by blood and memories to what’s coiling a death grip around my mind. the extreme disintegration and death surrounding my family has weakened me to the core; it breaks my heart to the point where i can’t speak of it without choking on my own saliva and tears. i don’t even remember the last time i cried so much; i just don’t want anyone to see me like this. i never meant for this to be an apology, but i guess it turned into one. i can’t really be anything for anyone right now, and i shouldn’t have to be. no one needs to see me be this sad; i don’t even need to see me like this. i just wish i was stronger sometimes, but then i look back at all of the things that have commenced in the past two years and i think i’m using the only strengths and mechanisms i have left. so friends, i’m sorry i’ve been such a stranger, but i don’t know any other way to get over any of this.