"Unhappy memories are persistent. They’re specific, and it’s the details that refuse to leave us alone. Though a happy memory may stay with you just as long as one that makes you miserable, what you remember softens over time. What you recall is simply that you were happy, not necessarily the individual moments that brought about your joy. But the memory of something painful does just the opposite. It retains its original shape, all bony fingers and pointy elbows. Every time it returns, you get a quick poke in the eye or jab in the stomach. The memory of being unhappy has the power to hurt us long after the fact. We feel the injury anew each and every time we think of it."
anytime i get into a mindset that i can’t shake, i retreat or i disappear further into my thoughts and imagination. only this time, there is no product or tangible evidence of where my mind has swept me off to. these past two months have literally devastated me to the point where i can’t create freely, i can’t work properly, i can’t love fully, i can’t think clearly. i can’t even be the kind of friend i should be; this is all bothers me, but it doesn’t surprise me. days get slower and slower; for, i feel like i’m stuck in a paradox or a time lapse. it’s all due to the fact that i am so deeply connected by blood and memories to what’s coiling a death grip around my mind. the extreme disintegration and death surrounding my family has weakened me to the core; it breaks my heart to the point where i can’t speak of it without choking on my own saliva and tears. i don’t even remember the last time i cried so much; i just don’t want anyone to see me like this. i never meant for this to be an apology, but i guess it turned into one. i can’t really be anything for anyone right now, and i shouldn’t have to be. no one needs to see me be this sad; i don’t even need to see me like this. i just wish i was stronger sometimes, but then i look back at all of the things that have commenced in the past two years and i think i’m using the only strengths and mechanisms i have left. so friends, i’m sorry i’ve been such a stranger, but i don’t know any other way to get over any of this.
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Would you freak out if someone had the same tattoo on your arm like you do?
i’m kind of torn on that question. i have a matching tattoo with a friend from boston. we got script on our wrists to mark our time in europe together, but we both agreed on that. if someone took my art (which is on left and right upper arm) and manipulated it, i’d be pretty upset. however, if someone wanted my art tattooed on them somewhere identical to my drawings, i would be flattered. now exact placement or knock-off of a tattoo that i have, that’s a little creepy. people all over the world have similar tattoos, but identical in placement and in image without meaning? weird. all of my tattoos have been carefully drawn, picked out, or placed by me for a reason, so if someone wants to just slap a tattoo like mine on their body…that’s their decision, but it wouldn’t mean the same things that mine mean to me. all of my tattoos symbolize being reborn, my family, and important events in my life. i’d think others would want to make conscious tattoo decisions as well. going off of a design just because you like it and think it’d be cool to have on your body is not a well-researched or smart way to go; why have something permanent if it has no meaning? aren’t body modifications and tattoos supposed to mark your body in some unique way to you? i just don’t understand why someone would want to “copy” so to speak. |
i think everyone in my neighborhood or in columbus for that matter drives a moped. VROOOM, VROOOM, VROOOM.
just now, a moped without a muffler drove past my house. my first reaction was “holy shit, why would anyone be using a chainsaw right now?” then i realized. onto another instance, i almost hit a couple on a moped who skuuurted through a 4-way in front of me on my way home from work tonight. my neighbor has her moped parked in our backyard? it also has it’s own cover with her name on it.
get me out of here…
